By Karyn M. DudleyI spent last Saturday night running through a corn maze, and it was awesome. Some events happened just before the outing that were quite upsetting to me, but I pushed them to the back of my mind for the evening and let the good times roll . . . because I knew the next day, Sunday, would be hard to handle when reality hit.
I got home about midnight Saturday night. I was cold, wet, tired, and achy. The previous four hours had been so awesome—filled with so much laughter and love and just good old healthy fun! The 40-minute drive home gave my mind time to settle down and think of the earlier events. Tears began to roll down my face. I got home and jumped right into bed, hoping sleep would come. We were to take a road trip to Idaho and would be leaving in just few hours. It had been a weird night. I Just lay in bed, and sleep never came. Hour after hour after hour I just laid there, trying to figure out how to stop thinking.
Somewhere around 7 a.m. I dozed off. When I stirred, the clock said 7:43. I had spent most of the night going over the past few years in my head: Mistakes I've made, things I shoulda, woulda, coulda done and didn't do. I had let an ocean of things build up over the years, and the dam was no longer holding them back. I had to open the gates or drown. I could not live another day with all of this inside of me. These things had been heavy on my mind for a couple of weeks and I couldn't live another day feeling this way. I wanted to talk things out, but that didn't work. As a matter of fact, trying to talk went drastically wrong and was getting worse. So I removed myself from the equation.
I needed to purge, So I started writing. I wrote for three and half hours straight. When I finished, I had before me 22 pages—front and back—of doubts, mistrust, and insecurities. TWENTY-TWO PAGES! Shame on me for holding so much inside and letting it build up to a point where I couldn't control how it was expressed.
For some reason my mind went back to the night before . . . in the corn maze.
We entered at our own risk. It was muddy, slippery, wet, cold, and yucky, and as a group we were slipping and sliding all over the place. It was fun and exciting with its elements of danger. Some things I didn't like right off, but felt I could handle things and it would be all right. Sometimes when we slipped, people in our group would hold their hands out to catch each other. And other times when we felt like we were going down, we would drop our hands and let the other person stumble around on their own. Sometimes it was because we knew they could recover and it would build their confidence. Other times it was for selfish reasons; We let go because we were too concerned about protecting ourselves and looking bad from falling. Instead, we let the other person fall and look bad.
The mud was really thick and heavy. As we walked it accumulated on our shoes, and our steps became heavy, slowing down our progress. From time to time our progress would literally stop. The mud would hold our shoes glued to the ground and we could not lift our legs to walk until we cleaned it off. There were times when the accumulation of mud was so heavy that the weight of gravity would cause it to drop off. Other times when we walked we could feel heavy drops of mud on the backs of our legs from its accumulation of each footstep. And sometimes the mud would be so strong that you would lift up your foot, but your shoe would stay stuck the ground.
Although there was great fun throughout the night, eventually the simple process of walking became a chore. Eventually we grew tired and weary. We found ourselves walking and progressing for what felt like hours only to end up where we had been 20 minutes earlier. Then we'd try a different direction and still end up in the same place. Frustration sets in and you kick into survival mode. Sometimes you're in survival mode for minutes and sometimes you're in survival mode for years. Although we had a map to guide us around the maze, when we did pull it out, we were lost and had no idea where we were. Following the map from the beginning and consulting it often would have kept us on track.
From time to time we would see an employee walking around making sure all things were okay within the maze. When we were having fun and all was well, we disregarded them and barely acknowledged them. But when we were finally cold, tired, hungry, and in need of help, we were happy to pay them attention and readily asked for their immediate assistance. And they were eager and happy to guide us to our desired destination.
Over the last few years my life has felt like that corn maze.
I willingly make choices that are fun and exciting, with elements of danger, and I think I can handle it. These situations can be such that they lead me to a shaky, slippery foundation that may often cause me to fall. And while those around me waiver or succumb to the things that I may not typically indulge in, sometimes we catch each other, and other times we don't while trying to protect ourselves from hurt or embarrassment.
Our journey most always will accumulate mud and muck and other garbage and baggage that will slow us down. If we continued to ignore it and don't clean it up or clear it out, it can halt our progress. If we don't do that which is needed to keep the mud off, we can remain stuck.
By not following the maps or guidelines or council we have readily available through prayer, scripture reading, and other daily maintenance-type things, we may find ourselves running in circles into the same unresolved issues time after time after time.
When things are fun and happy and going well, we don't pay too much attention to those who are placed here to aide us.
It is only when we are finally so tired, frustrated, angry, hurt, and weary that we realize our efforts alone are not enough to take us from this place we've ventured into—and that we humble ourselves and ask the One who can guide us, and sometimes carry us, out of our mess to stable, dry ground.
By letting the mud accumulate over the years and not taking the proper steps needed to cleanse it away, I have been trudging in unresolved paths. In doing so my mud has effected not only myself but those around me, those close to me. It's been a difficult lesson for me to learn. At the risk of losing some precious treasures, I hope it is truly learned.
My friends:
Use good judgment.
Uplift yourself and be considerate, kind, and uplifting to others.
Clean up your mud before it accumulates, weighs you down, and halts your progression.
Use your maps and other instructions so you don't get frustrated and desperate on the path.
Know where and who your guides are and stay close to them. Have faith in them.
Oh . . . and NEVER LEAVE YOUR WING MAN . . . your loving Heavenly Father.